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a face like a…


carl was saying how much fun it is to see what expressions other cultures use for insults. the scottish are particularly proficient and hilariously inventive at this. one of the glossaries that i’m researching “the patter” is hilarious with all its funny expressions. its made even funnier with the cool drawings in it done by john byrne (no, not that one). byrne is actually a very accomplished artist and has work displayed in the scottish national portrait gallery (the picture above is his self-portrait).

today my selection is a collection of insults all do to with a person’s appearance and they all come from glasgow. as you read them, try to visualise them…


“a face like a bulldog chowin a wasp” 😀

“a face like a burst couch” 🙂

“a face like a burst tomato”

“a face like a camel eatin sherbet” 😀

“a face like a chewed or half-chew caramel”

“a face like a halloween cake” 😀

i love this one for its sheer inventiveness!

“a face like a melted welly”

this one’s a bit of a slow-burner. at first it doesn’t sound very descriptive – but really try and picture it…

“a face like a well-skelped arse” (well-smacked) 🙂

“a face like it went on fire and somebody put the flames out with a shovel” 😀

absolutely brilliant!

“a face like you get at tom shepard’s” (a joke and trick shop in glasgow) 😀

i love this one!

Categories: words
  1. August 18, 2007 at 1:03 am

    These are great! Had me laughing out loud…made even better when you say them out loud with a Scottish accent 😉

  2. August 18, 2007 at 1:45 am

    my personal favourite: “a face like a camel eatin sherbet”

  3. August 18, 2007 at 3:17 am

    lol! I literally can’t stop laughing 😀 I love these!

  4. Jeff S.
    August 18, 2007 at 3:54 am

    LOL! Those are great. I’ll second Dark Orpheus with ” a face like a camel eatin sherbert ” being my favorite as well with ” a face like a halloween cake ” being my second. I have no idea what a halloween cake face looks like but it makes me imagine a mischevious grin.

  5. jean pierre
    August 18, 2007 at 8:51 am

    😀 i’m glad you guys liked them! they had me laughing out loud too – i had to wait till after 5 o’clock before i read them and posted them, ’cause i was laughing so much at work!

    chris, i was also saying them in my mind with a scottish accent 😉

    “a face like a camel eating sherbert” is very evocative…! love it 🙂

    jeff, i don’t know what “a face like a halloween cake” is meant to look like, but i’m sure of one thing – it must look very wrong. 🙂

  6. August 20, 2007 at 8:03 pm

    “a face like a camel eatin sherbet”

    I’m definitely going to have to put this one into use here in the states.

  7. jean pierre
    August 20, 2007 at 9:12 pm

    its brilliant, isn’t it!? haha!

  8. marky
    October 14, 2007 at 6:50 pm

    a face like a bulldog licking piss off a nettle!

  9. steve
    October 14, 2007 at 6:51 pm

    has a face like a bag of spanners

    a face like somebody put a forest fire out with a screwdriver.

  10. jim
    February 25, 2009 at 2:43 pm

    A face like a horse eating thistles, or face like a camel chewing caramels.

  11. Weegie
    March 26, 2009 at 7:35 pm

    You missed out my personal favourite Glaswegian insult:

    ‘A face like a welder’s bench’ 😀 😀

  12. jean pierre
    March 27, 2009 at 7:34 am

    thanks marky, steve, jim and weegie for your additions! i love them all.

    the glaswegians certainly have a way with words! 😀

  13. Anonymous
    February 18, 2010 at 2:51 pm

    face like a can of smashed assholes!

  14. Anonymous
    June 10, 2017 at 5:09 am

    A face that would turn a funeral up an alley

    A face like a slapped donkey

    or A face only suitable for radio

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